Guess what Shark Week? You’re terrifying. You’re basically all of my biggest fears coming true in high definition while people narrate what will happen to me if I step foot in the ocean. But what I don’t understand about you is that you insist on terrifying me before I even watch your entire week’s worth of programming. Here are a few examples:
- You name your shows stuff like “Air Jaws Apocalypse” and “Sharkzilla.” That’s not fair. First of all, how am I not supposed to turn on something called “Air Jaws Apocalypse”? I mean, you weren’t fighting fair with that one because I don’t even know what it means, but it sounds terrifying and mesmerizing all at the same time. Also, the exact same reason people turn on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey.”
- The very existence of sharks terrifies most rational people. However, you’ve used your dark magic powers to find the most insane people on the planet to jump into water cages with big gaping slats for shark mouth’s to fit through. Or use people who don’t value their own limbs to then show us what exactly we should be so afraid of in the first place. Also, they say stuff like “You should never do this” and then do it, which really is a terrible way to teach anyone anything. Or allow them to sleep soundly at night.
- You play really haunting music that follows me into my nightmares.
- You show the circle of life in a way that Disney would definitely not approve of. I understand that this is how nature works, but I live in a giant, man-made city surrounded by all things unnatural just so I don’t have to see the beauty that is a shark eating his seal-lunch. Also, everyone loves baby seals and making people cry for your own entertainment is just plain mean, Discovery Channel.
- You have drawn me into your website where I can’t stop reading shark facts that make me not want to ever look at the ocean ever again. And you make me feel ashamed of myself for reading something called the “Shark-o-Nator.” But hey, now I know something really not terrifying at all about being near any water whatsoever, like the fact that “Bull sharks have been spotted in bays, lagoons and even rivers, sometimes thousands of miles inland.” Oh really? That’s tremendously awesome and I’m really excited to never go near any water ever again.
- When I go to your website, this is what I see:
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your approach leaves something to be desired and I don’t think it’s fair that I can’t stop watching you. Also, I believe you will likely start hearing from my manager when I’m unable to perform the necessary functions of my job this week because I’m sleep-deprived and constantly making random references to bull sharks and Jaws.
Ok. That is all.